Thursday, May 9, 2013

Pregancy Part III: Symptoms Continued

Well here we are at Part III... if you missed the previous, read them here and here.  

     Remember my "impending doom" syndrome? Well it pretty much lives in all parts of my life. Regular life is hard enough with this put a growing human inside of my body that I can't see or feel (most of the time); my worriness (yes I just made up a word!) was at an all time high during my pregnancy. It didn't help that Myles was not a big mover. Sometimes days would go by without me feeling him move; every time I went to the doctor, I would get sooo nervous when they would get the fetal doppler out to check his heartbeat. What if they couldn't find his heartbeat? What if his heartbeat was too slow/fast? What if he wasn't moving enough? Even when I got to see him on the ultrasound, I would freak out. Are all his organs okay? Is his brain functioning right? Does he have 10 fingers and 10 toes? Is his nose going to be as big as his dad's ;) ? The questions, the worry, the helplessness: it never stopped! 

His version of "The Thinker"
    For some reason, I felt like the blessing of a healthy baby was too much for me. I have made TONS of mistakes in my life and haven't always followed the road less traveled. One of my biggest character flaws is thinking that bad things will happen to me if I'm not perfect. Having a healthy baby was something I felt like I didn't deserve. God's forgiveness is hard to fathom, especially in the world that lives off of hate, grudges, and revenge. (Of course, I now know THANKFULLY that God doesn't work that way and I did in fact get blessed with a beautiful, healthy baby boy!) However in the process, I couldn't get my mind to keep those negative thoughts away. In fact, in my mind finding something wrong wasn't a matter of if, but a when. I was just waiting for the day that my dream come true would turn into a nightmare. Looking back and really thinking about the feelings I had, I now see how irrational they were; but at the time they consumed my pregnancy. That is probably the main reason why I found it so hard to enjoy being pregnant. In my mind, I never thought the outcome would be Myles; I never thought it would really happen. I never wanted to get too excited because I didn't think at the end of it all I would actually have my baby. 

         This all made me really hesitant to tell people about being pregnant. I found out I was pregnant December 19, 2011. The first person I told was my dad a couple days after I found out. I know he had been wanting a grandchild son for a while. I am my father's only child; he knew he only wanted one and whether I ended up boy or girl, he would be happy. He loved me unconditionally, but I know I didn't quite fulfill any sports aspirations he had for his offspring. I was pretty excited to tell him because now he would have another chance at a little boy! (You're welcome dad!) The second person I told was my mother on Christmas Day. I was pretty nervous for this one and I really didn't intend on telling her when I did. However she knew something was up because I did not feel good at all that day. I then had to tell one of my bosses at my part-time side job because I was having a hard time working the morning shift and was completely exhausted from teaching full-time and still keeping hours there. I finally quit in March as I couldn't handle only one day off a week anymore :(  After that, I only told three other people: my cousin Melissa, and friends Katie and Megan. I didn't tell anyone at work; they all just figured it out on their own. I also never told any of my students; however it didn't take but a couple of weeks for them to realize something was up. Kids notice EVERYTHING. They whispered and gossiped about it until one brave kid finally asked me...  
     "Ms. Anderson, are you pregnant?" 
     "Oh, I thought so because your stomach is big, but your not fat everywhere!"
      Hmmm.. thanks I guess.

  This was a conversation on the LAST day of school.
     "Ms. Anderson, you're pregnant!?!?!?"
     "How far along are you?"
     "About seven months."
     "So you've been pregnant almost this whole time? Man if I had know that I wouldn't have  been so bad."     
      Hmmm.. thanks I guess.

Because of my constant worrying and fear, I really had no intentions of telling anyone else. I didn't announce to the world until after I was 20 weeks and the only reason I shared on Facebook was because the pictures of him at our anatomy ultrasound were just too cute to not share! I also didn't buy anything for him until around 25 weeks or 6 1/2 months. I felt like if I bought things for him, it would make it more real and I would get excited, which would have made it even harder if I didn't end up having him.
My stinkin' cute little one at 20 weeks (before we knew it was a boy)

      Of course the summer I was pregnant ended up being the hottest summer on record for Rockford. Several days were in the 100s and rest were 90s. Needless to say, I stayed inside for most of the summer. When I did venture outside, I was pretty much asking to end up in the hospital. Pregnant + HOTTT = cranky Julia! Even with the air on in the car, I would sweat like a fat disgusting pig. I drank a ridiculous amount of water, but that still didn't keep me from getting dehydrated. I got sick from the heat several times...not fun :( I also became a thermostat Nazi; I usually kept it set at 70 degrees and I would know the instant it went up just one degree. I may have freaked out on Mark at few times daily over changing the temperature in the house. No matter how many times I told him not to touch it, he still felt the need to turn it up when he was too cold. Really.. I'm a half-ton, beached whale over here, having hot flashes like a menopausal cranker and you're cold.. Go put a hoodie on! 
     Another one of my favorites was developing pregnancy brain. For those of you who call BS, I'll be the first to put my hand on the Bible to testify! I pretty much became completely unreliable. Luckily I kept it together at work, but at home I was a mess. Some how I only forgot my lunch one time (maybe because I was preggo and if I remembered anything, it was food!) One day I was filling up the sink to wash dishes when I noticed the garbage was full, so naturally I decided to take it out. While outside I remembered it was garbage eve so being a good housewife I brought it to the curb. When I walked back inside I heard this strange noise.. like water flowing. I walked into the kitchen and then it all came back to me. Oh yea I was filling up the sink with water.. Oh shit... The awesome thing about pregnancy brain though is that it is the greatest excuse in the world when you do something dumb or absent minded. I wouldn't even be able to count how many times I told Mark "I don't know.. I have pregnancy brain!" 

    Like I said earlier, Myles wasn't much of a mover. When I went for my anatomy ultrasound at 20 weeks, I still hadn't felt him (at least not enough for me to realize what it was). During the ultrasound, she moved him around a lot while trying to get pictures of his organs. She must have got him going, because the next day was the first time I really felt him move. I worried a lot (so strange for me right?) because I barely ever felt him moving around. I found out at that ultrasound that I had an anterior placenta (placenta in front towards my belly and baby behind), so I am guessing that's why I didn't feel him as much. I did get a Fetal NonStress Test once because I hadn't felt him move in days. The test turned out okay but she did have to "buzz" him to get him moving. Really the only time I felt him move was when he got the hiccups. During the last couple of months he got them at least once, sometimes twice a day. It was always around the same time too; between 10-11pm lasting between 20-30 minutes.
Baby boy around 35 weeks. I think he looks just like daddy here.

   I have saved my least favorite for last and I'm sure you can guess it. I mean what woman wants to talk about weight. This topic was a reason why I was so hesitant to start this blog. Every pregnancy blog I read has beautiful women with perfect bodies that gained maybe 25 pounds, lost it all in 2 weeks, and 3 months later look like Sports Illustrated swimsuit models. It is very intimidating and quite depressing. Like most women, I have struggled with weight issues and never feeling comfortable with my body. When I moved to Florida I got into the best shape I had been in since my freshman year of college, weighing 118. Before getting pregnant I was about 125, not my ideal but I could deal with it. While pregnant, the problems I had with my sugar really screwed me up and I had to eat more than I wanted. I have the type of body that can only maintain or lose weight on very little food and lots of exercise, so of course I got FAT! During my pregnancy, I felt so crappy all the time I had no energy to even care that I was gaining too much. Obviously now that I am trying desperately to lose the weight I wish that I had cared a little more. Luckily I ate well while I was pregnant because I probably would have gained even more if I had typical pregnancy cravings. I only drank one glass of juice everyday and the rest was water. I didn't (and don't) eat fast food or sweets (including chocolate) because they make me sick. I still managed to weigh 175 the day I gave birth, thus gaining about 50 lbs... so disgusting! I also got a couple battle scars, i.e. stretch marks, on my lower waist and sides. I hated looking at myself and I didn't want anyone else to see me either. I was definitely not the cute little pregnant woman I had always envisioned I would be. I ALWAYS felt uncomfortable and never wanted to go out so I only have a dozen or so pictures from my pregnancy. I wish that I would have been able to feel good and enjoy my pregnancy more. It makes me so sad that I didn't make it more of a positive, memorable experience (as I do NOT plan on having another)!

Now on to the fun parts of pregnancy; next up: Gender and Baby Shower!

No comments:

Post a Comment

I LOVE that you are taking the time to read and comment on my blog! I always comment back either through email or as a reply on your comment :) Thanks for coming by!