Pregancy Part III: Symptoms Continued

Well here we are at Part III... if you missed the previous, read them here and here.  

     Remember my "impending doom" syndrome? Well it pretty much lives in all parts of my life. Regular life is hard enough with this syndrome...now put a growing human inside of my body that I can't see or feel (most of the time); my worriness (yes I just made up a word!) was at an all time high during my pregnancy. It didn't help that Myles was not a big mover. Sometimes days would go by without me feeling him move; every time I went to the doctor, I would get sooo nervous when they would get the fetal doppler out to check his heartbeat. What if they couldn't find his heartbeat? What if his heartbeat was too slow/fast? What if he wasn't moving enough? Even when I got to see him on the ultrasound, I would freak out. Are all his organs okay? Is his brain functioning right? Does he have 10 fingers and 10 toes? Is his nose going to be as big as his dad's ;) ? The questions, the worry, the helplessness: it never stopped! 

His version of "The Thinker"

    For some reason, I felt like the blessing of a healthy baby was too much for me. I have made TONS of mistakes in my life and haven't always followed the road less traveled. One of my biggest character flaws is thinking that bad things will happen to me if I'm not perfect. Having a healthy baby was something I felt like I didn't deserve. God's forgiveness is hard to fathom, especially in the world that lives off of hate, grudges, and revenge. (Of course, I now know THANKFULLY that God doesn't work that way and I did in fact get blessed with a beautiful, healthy baby boy!) However in the process, I couldn't get my mind to keep those negative thoughts away. In fact, in my mind finding something wrong wasn't a matter of if, but a when. I was just waiting for the day that my dream come true would turn into a nightmare. Looking back and really thinking about the feelings I had, I now see how irrational they were; but at the time they consumed my pregnancy. That is probably the main reason why I found it so hard to enjoy being pregnant. In my mind, I never thought the outcome would be Myles; I never thought it would really happen. I never wanted to get too excited because I didn't think at the end of it all I would actually have my baby. 

         This all made me really hesitant to tell people about being pregnant. I found out I was pregnant December 19, 2011. The first person I told was my dad a couple days after I found out. I know he had been wanting a grandchild son for a while. I am my father's only child; he knew he only wanted one and whether I ended up boy or girl, he would be happy. He loved me unconditionally, but I know I didn't quite fulfill any sports aspirations he had for his offspring. I was pretty excited to tell him because now he would have another chance at a little boy! (You're welcome dad!) The second person I told was my mother on Christmas Day. I was pretty nervous for this one and I really didn't intend on telling her when I did. However she knew something was up because I did not feel good at all that day. I then had to tell one of my bosses at my part-time side job because I was having a hard time working the morning shift and was completely exhausted from teaching full-time and still keeping hours there. I finally quit in March as I couldn't handle only one day off a week anymore :(  After that, I only told three other people: my cousin Melissa, and friends Katie and Megan. I didn't tell anyone at work; they all just figured it out on their own. I also never told any of my students; however it didn't take but a couple of weeks for them to realize something was up. Kids notice EVERYTHING. They whispered and gossiped about it until one brave kid finally asked me...  
     "Ms. Anderson, are you pregnant?" 
     "Yes" 
     "Oh, I thought so because your stomach is big, but your not fat everywhere!"
      Hmmm.. thanks I guess.

  This was a conversation on the LAST day of school.
     "Ms. Anderson, you're pregnant!?!?!?"
     "Yes"
     "How far along are you?"
     "About seven months."
     "So you've been pregnant almost this whole time? Man if I had know that I wouldn't have  been so bad."     
      Hmmm.. thanks I guess.

Because of my constant worrying and fear, I really had no intentions of telling anyone else. I didn't announce to the world until after I was 20 weeks and the only reason I shared on Facebook was because the pictures of him at our anatomy ultrasound were just too cute to not share! I also didn't buy anything for him until around 25 weeks or 6 1/2 months. I felt like if I bought things for him, it would make it more real and I would get excited, which would have made it even harder if I didn't end up having him.
 

My stinkin' cute little one at 20 weeks (before we knew it was a boy)

      Of course the summer I was pregnant ended up being the hottest summer on record for Rockford. Several days were in the 100s and rest were 90s. Needless to say, I stayed inside for most of the summer. When I did venture outside, I was pretty much asking to end up in the hospital. Pregnant + HOTTT = cranky Julia! Even with the air on in the car, I would sweat like a fat disgusting pig. I drank a ridiculous amount of water, but that still didn't keep me from getting dehydrated. I got sick from the heat several times...not fun :( I also became a thermostat Nazi; I usually kept it set at 70 degrees and I would know the instant it went up just one degree. I may have freaked out on Mark at few times daily over changing the temperature in the house. No matter how many times I told him not to touch it, he still felt the need to turn it up when he was too cold. Really.. I'm a half-ton, beached whale over here, having hot flashes like a menopausal cranker and you're cold.. Go put a hoodie on! 
     Another one of my favorites was developing pregnancy brain. For those of you who call BS, I'll be the first to put my hand on the Bible to testify! I pretty much became completely unreliable. Luckily I kept it together at work, but at home I was a mess. Some how I only forgot my lunch one time (maybe because I was preggo and if I remembered anything, it was food!) One day I was filling up the sink to wash dishes when I noticed the garbage was full, so naturally I decided to take it out. While outside I remembered it was garbage eve so being a good housewife I brought it to the curb. When I walked back inside I heard this strange noise.. like water flowing. I walked into the kitchen and then it all came back to me. Oh yea I was filling up the sink with water.. Oh shit... The awesome thing about pregnancy brain though is that it is the greatest excuse in the world when you do something dumb or absent minded. I wouldn't even be able to count how many times I told Mark "I don't know.. I have pregnancy brain!" 

    Like I said earlier, Myles wasn't much of a mover. When I went for my anatomy ultrasound at 20 weeks, I still hadn't felt him (at least not enough for me to realize what it was). During the ultrasound, she moved him around a lot while trying to get pictures of his organs. She must have got him going, because the next day was the first time I really felt him move. I worried a lot (so strange for me right?) because I barely ever felt him moving around. I found out at that ultrasound that I had an anterior placenta (placenta in front towards my belly and baby behind), so I am guessing that's why I didn't feel him as much. I did get a Fetal NonStress Test once because I hadn't felt him move in days. The test turned out okay but she did have to "buzz" him to get him moving. Really the only time I felt him move was when he got the hiccups. During the last couple of months he got them at least once, sometimes twice a day. It was always around the same time too; between 10-11pm lasting between 20-30 minutes.

Baby boy around 35 weeks. I think he looks just like daddy here.

   I have saved my least favorite for last and I'm sure you can guess it. I mean what woman wants to talk about weight. This topic was a reason why I was so hesitant to start this blog. Every pregnancy blog I read has beautiful women with perfect bodies that gained maybe 25 pounds, lost it all in 2 weeks, and 3 months later look like Sports Illustrated swimsuit models. It is very intimidating and quite depressing. Like most women, I have struggled with weight issues and never feeling comfortable with my body. When I moved to Florida I got into the best shape I had been in since my freshman year of college, weighing 118. Before getting pregnant I was about 125, not my ideal but I could deal with it. While pregnant, the problems I had with my sugar really screwed me up and I had to eat more than I wanted. I have the type of body that can only maintain or lose weight on very little food and lots of exercise, so of course I got FAT! During my pregnancy, I felt so crappy all the time I had no energy to even care that I was gaining too much. Obviously now that I am trying desperately to lose the weight I wish that I had cared a little more. Luckily I ate well while I was pregnant because I probably would have gained even more if I had typical pregnancy cravings. I only drank one glass of juice everyday and the rest was water. I didn't (and don't) eat fast food or sweets (including chocolate) because they make me sick. I still managed to weigh 175 the day I gave birth, thus gaining about 50 lbs... so disgusting! I also got a couple battle scars, i.e. stretch marks, on my lower waist and sides. I hated looking at myself and I didn't want anyone else to see me either. I was definitely not the cute little pregnant woman I had always envisioned I would be. I ALWAYS felt uncomfortable and never wanted to go out so I only have a dozen or so pictures from my pregnancy. I wish that I would have been able to feel good and enjoy my pregnancy more. It makes me so sad that I didn't make it more of a positive, memorable experience (as I do NOT plan on having another)!

Now on to the fun parts of pregnancy; next up: Gender and Baby Shower!

Pregnancy Part II: Symptoms

This post is pretty much about all the 'symptoms' I had during pregnancy. I put quotes around symptoms because I am using the word loosely; it is pretty much going to encompass the "meat" of my pregnancy... so it's going to be a long one!

If you haven't read part one, check it out here: Pregnancy Part I

Symptoms

           Unlike most preggos, my first symptom was not nausea; it was my blood sugar change. There are two main reasons I had been terrified to get pregnant. The first being the pain I would have to endure with the actual birth process (explained previously here) and second being how my body would react to being pregnant. To say my body is very sensitive to change is a HUGE understatement. Most of my troubles started when I was 13 years old. I will spare you the details of my complicated, never-ending, puzzling "disease" that I have had on and off for the last 14 years and just say that it is some sort of strange combination of hypoglycemia and generalized anxiety disorder. Before becoming pregnant, I had been feeling good for about 7 months. I naively thought that I could get pregnant and everything would be okay... Literally the day after finding out I woke up in the middle of the night with low blood sugar symptoms; at which point the anxiety set in because of past experiences (elevated blood pressure, shaking, fainting, etc). It pretty much turned into a viscous cycle of mixed symptoms and no cure, followed by a completely frustrated, broken-down Julia. And so began my pregnancy. 

            On top of my anxiety about my physical well-being and if I would be able to create a healthy baby, while staying healthy myself, I had the added stress of my job. Now don't get me wrong, I love the idea of teaching. I have always had a passion for kids. I will say that I did try my best everyday and I know I had a positive impact on some (as I still keep in touch with them); however as an exhausted, irritable, anxiety-laden pregnant woman, I was in no condition to really be all I needed to be for my students. The daily stress and overall helplessness I felt dealing with some of those kids really stole a lot of joy and happiness I should have felt during my pregnancy. Some of my students totally made it all worth it; and well... for the others, I don't think a traditional high school setting is the best place for 3 time felons that just got out of prison.... I had a few of those and let me just say their bad days were something out of an exorcism. My life was threatened on several occasions and by the end of most days I didn't know how I had survived.

Sums it up perfectly

         Moral of the story: I pretty much felt like crap the entire first seven months of my pregnancy. Strangely as soon as summer break started my anxiety/stress level dropped drastically and in the last two months I felt better than I had all pregnancy. Also there was this...

I mean who doesn't instantly feel better after looking at this (celebrity crush since forever)

 *Side note.. I have been taking Zoloft on and off for the last 14 years as well, but decided to stop when I found out I was pregnant. It was a catch 22 for me; I knew that the anxiety wasn't good for my growing baby, but on the other hand, I would never be able to forgive myself if something were to have happened to Myles because I took medicine while pregnant.

Our first time seeing our little one :) 8 weeks!

     My first normal pregnancy symptom was exhaustion. I'm not talking about just being tired; I'm talking about the zombie-style-sleep-while-standing-and-eyes-open thing. Only women who have been pregnant know this feeling. I was this way for about the first 25 weeks and the last 5. It really wouldn't have been that bad could I have actually slept. Another thing that happens when my anxiety runs high is that I have problems sleeping. I would always try to go to bed by 9:30 as I had to get up around 7:30.. There were nights that I would literally lay there for the WHOLE 10 hours never once falling asleep. I have always been the type to never be able to fall asleep quickly (usually it takes about an hour), but with my anxiety I usually only end up sleeping just a couple hours a night. It also wouldn't have been that bad if I could have taken naps. But that is yet another thing my anxiety does not allow me to do. If I fall asleep during the daytime, I wake up in an panic attack (heart racing, rapid breathing, sweating, etc). 
    Funny thing is I could almost always fall asleep when Mark and I would watch a movie before bed. I would try so hard but almost instantly I would be out. I learned to lay in such a way that Mark couldn't see my eyes so he didn't know I was sleeping and as long as I mumbled something every 10 minutes when he asked if I was sleeping, he never knew. On Valentine's Day, Mark brought me to dinner and a movie. It was perfect because a Denzel movie happened to be out. You would never have guessed what happened if you knew how obsessed I am with that man... I am quite embarrassed to admit this but.. I fell asleep.. during the movie... in the theater... to a DENZEL movie (granted it was Safe House.. I don't know what he is thinking with some of his movie choices lately)... now that's what I call exhaustion.

     
      I only threw up a couple of times and never in the morning. I threw up twice from food and a couple other times from an empty stomach. My work schedule was stucky for a preggo lady: I had planning from 8:15 to 10:20, then class for an hour, then lunch at 11:15, then no more breaks until school was out at 3:30. I would eat breakfast at 8:30 and have a little snack before class started, so at lunch I wasn't very hungry. I did make myself eat though because I knew I wouldn't be able to eat until I got home at 4:30. By the time I got home, I was so hungry that I was nauseous and would throw-up. I also would get really bad headaches. So I decided to start having a snack before my last class. That helped a lot and the nausea and headaches got better.

This is the yearbook page dedicated to Kham

     I did suffer my first migraine ever while pregnant. It came on a Friday after a VERY long week. At the beginning of the week, I got the worst news a teacher could ever receive: one of my students had passed away. Over a year later, and I still have a hard time writing this without having a breakdown moment. He was the first student I had made a connection with; the first one I had invested myself in; the first one I was going to make a difference in. I was determined to see him graduate on time. I would help him with math after school and EVERY Friday that I saw him I told him "be safe, I want to see you back here Monday..." I still get mad at myself thinking that I should have done more; I should have been able to save him. I had heard about a really bad car accident that weekend where three kids died, but of course I never would have thought... until I got the condolences email. I was in utter disbelief and shock. That day and week was something I had never wanted to experience as a teacher and although it's something that I knew was possible, it happened way too soon into my career. Friday was the visitation/funeral and since I soon would be becoming a mother, it was completely heartbreaking to watch as his mother had to say her last goodbyes; something no mother should ever have to do. That night when I got off work was when the migraine started. Since I rarely ever take medicine, I always just eat and go to bed if I ever get a headache. I tried to do that and it did nothing. Every time I woke up it seemed to just be worse. Luckily though by the morning it had finally gone away. (Sorry for the seemingly irrelevant story, just something I want to always remember).

       
       I never really had any food cravings or a aversions. I did have a taste for certain things here and there but I never had a Mark-go-to-the-store-right-now-before-I-break-your-balls kind of craving. I did always have bowl of cereal in the morning and frozen fruit at night, but that is something I may often do as a non-preggo. I did crave cheese popcorn once, but the bag sat there half full for the duration of my pregnancy as that craving lasted all of one day.

      I was very sensitive to smells. Even not pregnant, I can't take strong smells for longer than a couple minutes. I typically get nausea and a headache. Very early on I had to stop wearing perfume because it made me really sick. At work, I was blessed with a classroom that had no windows and EXTREMELY poor ventilation. It was always Sahara Desert style hot and muggy in the room. The climate in the room in and of itself was bad enough; then put 30 pubescent students in there (some just coming from gym class!)... I want to vomit just thinking about it now (I'm pretty sure I will be haunted by that feeling and smell for the rest of my life). Being equipped with extra strength Febreze and my desk fan couldn't even save me. There really are no words to describe the feeling and odor in my room EVERY single day. On top of that, I had several girls who thought they were at Macy's everyday straying their perfume ALL over the place. I may have had a crazy pregnant lady freak out once telling a girl (in not the nicest tone) that she HAD to stop putting her perfume on in my classroom because it was making me sick.   

My hair art; this was from just one shower.

   Oh and the glowing-skin-beautiful-thick-hair pregnant fairy....well I guess she forgot about me! For about the first 6 months of my pregnancy, my hair was coming out in handfuls. It was quite upsetting as I was not prepared for that. I was always under the impression that during pregnancy you stopped shedding and then post-pardum you lost all the hair you had kept while being pregnant. Yeah, not me! Pregnancy also had an atypical effect on my face. For about a year leading up to me getting pregnant, I had a horrible re-occurrence of acne. I tried EVERY product out there and nothing helped. Then I got pregnant and.... it went away... I always thought acne was brought on during pregnancy by changes in hormones. Yeah, not me again!

Okay, well I think I have reached the max allowance to hold an adults attention in the blog reading world, so I will continue with a Part II to the symptoms on a new post coming soon!